George Carlin

Language

• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
• They say they want to pre-board. Well, what the hell is pre-board? To get on before you get on?
• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
• If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
• If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
• George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country.
• Beethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter.
• “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
• Electricity is just organized lightning.
• I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
• Think off-center.
• There’s no “now.” Everything is the near future or the recent past.
• There’s no present. “Welcome to the present.” ZOOM! Gone again.
• When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
• It’s not enough to know which notes to play — you gotta know why they need to be played.
• I leave symbols to the symbol-minded.
• No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
• I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
• When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Religion

• Religion is nothing but mind control.
• Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time. But he loves you. And he needs money.
• Religion, at best, is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better, fine. But you don’t need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Just don’t ask me to wear your shoes. And let’s not go down and nail lifts onto the natives’ feet.
• Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
• I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it’s me!
• Jesus was a cross-dresser.
• What year did Jesus think it was?
• I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday: his day off.
• America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?
• Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off.
• I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
• There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

Politics

• If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.
• The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
• When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
• The government does not give a fuck about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. It’s interested in its own power.
• I don’t believe anything the government tells me.
• I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
• Rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away.
• It’s only a symbol. It’s only a piece of cloth.
• It’s a big club. And you ain’t in it.
• It’s called the American Dream, ’cause you have to be asleep to believe it.
• When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
• Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
• The status quo always sucks.
• You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
• You don’t need a formal conspiracy when interests converge. They don’t need to call a meeting; they know what’s good for them, and they are getting it.
• If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
• If you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope.
• I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
• Children should be taught to question everything they read, everything they hear. Children should be taught to question authority.
• This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free.
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. Second is not all that bad.
• When you’re born in this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. And when you’re born in America, you’re given a front row seat.
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
• When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
• The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
• Government wants to control information and control language because that’s the way you control thought.
• I enjoy describing how things are; I have no interest in how they ought to be.

War

• Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
• Think for a moment about the concept of the flame thrower. It means that at some point, some person said to himself, “Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I’m way too far away to get the job done.”
• Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
• You needn’t be a historian to see the Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory at work. It goes like this: “What? They have bigger dicks? Bomb them!”
• So I say live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker.
• You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

People

• Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.
• Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
• People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
• If you scratch a cynic, you’ll find a disappointed idealist.
• Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.
• If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
• If it’s true that we are all from the center of a star, every atom in each of us from the center of a star, then we’re all the same thing. So what is there to be afraid of? Nothing. There is nothing to be afraid of because it’s all us.
• Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
• Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit.
• Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
• The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
• I like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it, bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did.
• Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
• If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Groups

• I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
• Never join a group that has a name.
• If they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
• Keep your circle small.
• Avoid teams at all cost.
• If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk.
• Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, “There is no ‘I’ in team.” What you should tell them is, “Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality and integrity.”

Men and Women

• Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
• How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?
• You know what they ought to have? Motherfucker’s Day. The day after Mother’s Day. Actually, when you think about it, Father’s Day is Motherfucker’s Day.
• If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

Alcohol

• I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. Here’s one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
• Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one.
• If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach.
• “One thing leads to another.” Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
• Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Life

• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
• Always do whatever’s next.
• A good motto to live by: “Always try not to get killed.”
• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
• Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
• I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.
• May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Death

• I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
• I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.
• I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
• The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide, but want to get in a little practice.
• The Food and Drug Administration has announced that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
• I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Observations

• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
• You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
• The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
• Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you’re calling?
• Tonight’s forecast: dark. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to widely scattered light in the morning.
• Hansel and Gretel discovered the gingerbread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
• I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
• There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls.