The Computer as a Hoe

• Newbie (kettle) — a beginner who has not yet stepped on the hoe and is therefore sure that hoes do not exist.
• Lamer — a user who regularly steps on hoes, but goes on believing that hoes do not exist.
• Narrow specialist — a user who has mastered to perfection the art of stepping on one and the same hoes.
• Broad specialist — a user with two or more lumps on his forehead.
• Programmer — one for whom, when stepping on hoes, the result matters most. Tired of stepping on other people’s hoes, he makes his own.
• Advanced programmer — a programmer who steps on a given hoe no more than twice.
• Copyright — a concept that limits the number of hoes available to step on according to the user’s means.
• Gamer — one for whom, when stepping on hoes, the process itself matters most. Usually unable to manufacture his own hoes.
• Cheater — a variety of gamer; steps only on hoes with foam sleeves on the handle, and usually only once.
• Hacker — one who can step on a hoe even if it is shut in a shed and locked with a padlock.
• Idealist hacker — a noble fighter for everyone’s right to step on an unlimited number of hoes.
• Microsoft — a corporation, world leader in the manufacture of hoes.
• Bill Gates — a mythical being from programmer folklore; an evil spirit, patron of hoes.
• Upgrade — the process of endlessly spending money on new hoes, each of which hits harder than the last.
• Beta version — a version in which the hoes are visible to the naked eye.
• Release — a version in which the hoes are covered with leaves.
• Version compatibility — a principle that lets the new hoes hit you square on the lump left by the old ones.
• Assembler — a programming language that lets you step on the hoe several million times a second.
• Local network — a technology that lets you get smacked in the forehead even when somebody else stepped on the hoe.
• Internet — a technology that lets you step on hoes on the other side of the globe.
• Network conference — a technology that lets everyone step not only on their own hoes but on other people’s too.
• Cyrillic encodings — a gift set of hoes for internet users.
• Friendly interface — a rubber sleeve on the hoe handle.
• Flexible (customisable) interface — a sleeve on the hoe handle that you can adjust to the height of your forehead.
• Graphical interface — a hoe with controls for the colour and force of the sparks you will see after it smacks you in the forehead.
• Unreliable system — a hoe that hits you in the forehead even when you have not stepped on it.
• Reliable system — a hoe that hits you square in the forehead even when your back is turned.
• Multitasking — a concept that lets you step on several hoes at once.
• Object-oriented programming — a method of manufacturing hoes on the matryoshka principle.
• Manual — a book describing the various ways of stepping on the hoe. Never used by lamers or hackers. Advanced programmers use it after stepping on the hoe a second time.
• Technical support — a service that advises you what to do after stepping on the hoe. Its first piece of advice is usually to step on the hoe again and compare the sensations.

last edited: 2026-08-18 12:13